Why do I bother?

So, I tried another dating site and for the first time since I tried online dating, I actually met a guy who I actually, truly and seriously was attracted to. Yet, so many problems: still married, with kids, still living at home while trying to divorce. I should have seen the signs, but I was blinded by the nice eyes, sweet smile and wounded demeanor. And here I am, a month later, waiting, stupidly, for the phone call, the text, some form of communication.

Friends keep getting married, having kids, living their lives and here I am, still in the same place I was 10 years ago. With 40 looming so close in the distance, is it worth it to bother trying another dating site. Honestly, what difference could it make when I think i am getting to the point where the guys are being recycled.

I had my chances, not with great guys, and maybe one really great guy-but I was too young and too unfocused to notice it.

Do I have regrets? Yes, but would I change anything? I don't know. I don't know if it would matter.

So here I write, streaming stupid words together to try and interpret this empty feeling I have in my heart. My dog helps, but it's still so very lonely. and what will happen when I'm alone without my mom or my friend ( I know lots of people, but really only have one true friend) to be there with me?

Boy, I really need a vacation.

Why do I bother?

SO, I am back to dating. Well, trying to date. Another $50 towards a online site that initially provides some interesting prospects, but then nose-dives into the void of unreturned winks, nudges, I'm intrigued messages.

After a decade of trying to connect with anonymous New Yorkers, in the hopes that neither one of us will be too weird to go out a second time, my dealbreakers have become akin to Liz Lemon's list, but surprisingly smaller. I'm now ok with divorced AND kids (with my range from 31-45, it's hard to find guys who aren't still single without a very, very good reason.)

Mostly, I'm just sad. Although having a dog has taken the edge off of the desperate need to feel loved (thank you small, furry package of affection), the recent family health issues (and deaths over the past three years) have left me wondering how the hell I'm going to do this. By myself.

Sigh.

Back to writing

This morning, I resolved that I will get back to writing, even if it's just a little each day. So much has happened over the past few years, but little has changed. Just recently my mom had a stroke and that has sent my world view and word view into a spin. A month later, and I still don't know which way is up.

But this morning, when walking the dog in the park, I saw a small, yellow fuzzy caterpillar smooching his (or her) way across the sidewalk in Riverside. I marveled at the determination and speed at which this not more than an inch long bug was moving.

Then, when arriving to work this morning and walking into the lobby from the riverside entrance, I saw another, identical caterpillar walking into the office.

I am slightly baffled and amazes. How could two identical insects walk in front of me in one morning? Plus, I know my caterpillars, what kind of caterpillar was this?!?

Strange.

Where did I go this past year?

I was taking care of a dog people! A dog!

I gotta get back to writing. I promise.